Miffery at common mistakes

You all know that I can be a bit of a Nazi when it comes to spelling and grammar, so I thought I'd highlight some of the most common mistakes that really, really get on my nerves.

#1: "alot"

This one is completely ridiculous! There is no such word as alot. It is two words: a lot.

#2: "Am"

There's been an increasing number of people using the word am in place of I'm. It should be noted that am ≠ I'm, making sentences such as "Am annoyed with you." sound horrifically deformed.

#3: Misusing and abusing the apostrophe

I honestly don't know why it's so hard for people to grasp the use of the apostrophe. It's used to signify missing letters and/or ownership/relation. For example, if you were to refer to my mother, you would say, "Scott's mother." See? Easy.

#4: Homophones

The confusion of your over you're has been getting on my nerves since I could spell. It is not that hard. Your implies ownership, e.g. your car; whereas you're is a contracted (i.e. shorter) form of you are. For example, "You're an elf."

N.B. "They're over there, reading their books."

#5: Punctuation crises

Firs off, there's the punctuation overload. What I mean by that is messages like this: gonna go,,, out now!!!!!!

Not only does it look hideous, but the overuse of the exclamation mark diminishes its effect. There should only be one comma used at a time; that is, there should never be two or more commas coming straight after each other. Also it bugs me when people use commas where there shouldn't be any. Example: I'm, shattered now! Can't wait to, get to bed!!!!

#6: The slaughter of the semicolon

While I don't claim to be an expert when it comes to semicolons, I do have some idea of where they are used. However they are not to be used to link two words together (e.g. "love;you"); nor are they to be used interchangeably with apostrophes (e.g "I;ve got a lot of work to do"). Please, don't slaughter the semicolon; if you can't use it, just don't use it at all.

#7: Alphabet explosion

You've all seen them: statuses on Facebook that look as though the alphabet just up and vomited all over them. A prime example: "ii cantttt believeee itt!!!" Honestly, the language works as it is; stop fucking it up with too many letters.

That seems to be the main ones covered, at least. Funnily enough, as I was writing this, I came across a picture on Facebook that said, "i loovee' you!" which fits right in to #7: Alphabet explosion and #3: Misusing and abusing the apostrophe. Not to mention the fact that the I isn't capitalised, but that's another story.

That's all, folks!

A Small Box of Time

I wrote a story because I was bored.

“Hello,” I said. “How may I help you today?”

“For a start, you can get out of my way; I’m a very busy man, and I don’t take kindly to time-wasters.”

“Ah, so it is time you would like,” I replied, reaching into my jacket pocket. “Here, take this.” I pulled out a small purple box tied with a ribbon. There was a tag on it that read Time.

“What is this?” the very busy man asked, a puzzled expression suddenly appearing on his face.

“Why, it is time, of course. I aim to assist, and since you wanted time, that is what you get.” I said to him.

“But,” he said. “But how can you give me time?”

“Ah, yes, well. That’s a bit of a secret, I’m afraid. Open the box.”

The man stared at me for a moment, judging whether or not he should open the gift in his hand. He returned his gaze to the box, and pulled off the ribbon. Removing the lid, a great white light spilled forth, dousing our surroundings in the purest illumination one can ever hope to witness. Unless you shop at IKEA, of course.

There came a ticking sound; the ticking of a clock. The now bewildered man continued to gaze into the box.

“It’s—” he paused. “It’s talking to me. How—?” His question was cut short when he realised that he didn’t quite know what he wanted to ask. “What is this?”

“Sir, are you not paying attention? It is time. Should you wish to put it to use, I would very highly suggest you take it out of its box and allow it to become acquainted with you. Speaking of acquaintance, what is your name?”

Despite his astonishment, the very busy man managed to inform me that his name was John. Ah, John; always John. Common as muck, that name.

“What do I do with it?” John asked me; he clearly wasn’t paying much attention.

“Oh, for crying out loud. I knew you wouldn’t cope with opening the box before reading the instructions.”

“Instructions?”

“Yes, the instructions,” I informed him. “You see? On the bottom of the box. It does say quite clearly that you should read the instructions before opening the box lest you hurt yourself due to your attention being elsewhere. Oi!”

John suddenly looked up, as though he had been woken from a dream.

“What were you saying?”

“For crying out loud, you mortals. Look—”

“Mortals?” John interrupted.

“Yes, mortals. That’s what you are, isn’t it? Now shut up and pay attention. All you’ve got to do is stick your hand in the box and take out whatever’s inside. The light is tangible; you should be able to take hold of it.

“Once you’ve got the light, you have to hold it in your hands. Bear in mind the fact that this is time you are holding, so it pretty much knows everything about everything. The time will speak to you, and you must talk back to it. If it deems you worthy, it will become a part of your being and you will be forever changed, blah blah blah, whatever. Got that?” I didn’t wait for a reply. “Good. I have other appointments. Cheerio.”

I vanished in a puff of purple smoke, and the very busy man named John was left standing there on his own, desperately trying to make head or tail of the time he held in his hand.

Unfortunately for him, the time deemed him unworthy, and therefore wasted no time in removing him. He vanished from the spot upon which he stood; all evidence of his very existence removed in the less than the blink of an eye. How very unfortunate.

The Soup Dilemma

Dear readers, there is a question that has plagued my mind for a number of days now, and I really do need an answer. I've discussed it with a number of people but an answer has still not been reached. The question:

Do you eat soup, or do you drink it?

You might think "well, you eat it, don't you!" Yes, but then soup is a liquid and, traditionally, liquids are drank. So does this mean that you drink soup? It should, but then...

You use a spoon with soup; you don't use a spoon to drink, do you? I've never known anyone who drinks a cup of tea with a spoon. And soup can be classed as a meal, which must mean it's food; and food, such as it is, is eaten.

Do you see my confusion? I really want to know whether you're supposed to eat it or drink it. I mean, it's pretty safe to say that a stew is eaten because it's got lumps of food in it. Food that has to be chewed. You don't chew soup, so do you drink it?

Perhaps we should just stick with a more ambiguous verb and say that it's slurped, or even that it's consumed.

A quote

I've nothing much to say but I do have this quote, which I did find quite entertaining.

Consulting a dozen or so recently published punctuation guides, I can report that they contain minor disagreements on virtually all aspects of the above and that their only genuine consistency is in using Keats's poems as the prime example. Strange, but true. They just can't leave Keats alone. "It is Keats' poems (NOT Keats's)," they thunder. Or alternatively: "It is Keats's poems (NOT Keats')." Well, poor old Keats, you can't help thinking. No wonder he developed that cough.

From Eats, Shoots & Leaves by Lynne Truss

Thieves!

Right! You must be warned: there are thieves operating everywhere, and these days they seem to really be picking up the pace at which they steal.

Incident numero uno:

On Monday 15th of February, I was in Waterstone's in Cardiff looking at the books. A guy came into the store and started speaking quite loudly in a foreign language. He was pointing at books, and picking books up and asking me about them in his gibberish language. I felt something brush very lightly against my leg and then he continued with his gibberish and then left the store. Little did I know that he was a pickpocket and was just that moment making off with my phone.

You think it's not going to happen to you, or you think you'd be able to spot it when it does happen, but then it does happen, and you're left without a phone. How very miffed I was. The first thing I did was toddle off to the Orange shop and buy the cheapest phone they had so that I could tell people not to reply to any messages from my old number. I also cancelled my old sim card, just for good measure.

The art of the pickpocket is a tricky one, but should you encounter someone who has mastered it, you won't even notice that your stuff is gone until they are gone. Be careful.

Incident numero dos:

On Friday 19th February (i.e., the day just gone), my mother was shopping in Caerphilly. She had parked her car at the top of town near the train station as she had intended to go to Cardiff. She was walking to her car, when a man ran past my mother and grabbed hold of her bag as he did so. Unfortunately for him, my mother grips the strap of her bag when she wears it on her shoulder, so she had him looped. She yanked him back, and knocked him to the ground. My mother stood on the man, holding him to the ground.

At this point, I am told, a man came running out of his house shouting, "I've called the police, I've called the police!" He thought that my mother was hitting the man for no reason. She replied, "He just tried to rob me! I'm not going anywhere until the police arrive, and you'd better keep your nose out or you'll be on the floor with him!"

Luckily for my mother, there were three witnesses (two people from the dentist nearby and a bus driver), and the entire incident was recorded on CCTV. The police arrested the man, and I am told that he wouldn't tell the police who he was, where he lived, etc. and that he was known to the police. My mother and the witnesses gave statements and she was allowed to leave.

Of all places for thieves to operate, I wouldn't think of Caerphilly town. Robbery like this is the sort of thing you would hear about on the news or see in TV shows, but lately it all seems to be getting a little closer to home. Be careful.

So there you have it; two robberies on members of my family (me being one of them) in the space of five days. I cannot stress this enough: BE CAREFUL.

I'm sorry if I sound a bit preachy, but I don't want anyone else to be robbed. That is all.

Until next time,

Good day.

OMG

By golly! Having given up on the traditional British pancake yesterday, I decided to go scouring the web for a new recipe - and discovered this, the recipe for the most delicious pancakes I have ever tried. And the best thing? You can store all the dry ingredients in a jar, already mixed up, so that you have your own pancake mix! I thought it was genius. I had some for breakfast this morning and they were YOM.

For the dry mix:

600g of plain flour

3 x 15ml tablespoons of baking powder

2 teaspoons of bicarbonate of soda

1 teaspoon of salt

40g of caster sugar

Just mix it all up and put it in a jar or whatever. It's well good! I had trouble getting it into the jar, so I made a cone out of some greaseproof paper I found and put it in that way. If the jar's big enough, you can just mix it when it's in the jar, so you don't even have to get a mixing bowl dirty. The mix will make 4 loads of pancake batter.

For the batter:

150g of the above pancake mix (it works out roughly to about 4 and a half heaped tablespoonfuls)

250ml of semi-skimmed or full-fat milk (I use a little less because the batter goes too runny otherwise - I think it depends on the quality of your flour)

1 egg

1 x 15ml tablespoon of melted butter (I put more in than it says.. just get a blob, stick it in a dish and shove it in the microwave for 20-30 seconds to melt it — much easier than using a pan)

Just mix the egg and milk in with the dry ingredients, and add the butter just before you cook the pancakes. Make sure you whisk it, and whisk it good!

For the cookin's:

Heat a pan. You don't really need oil per se because there's butter in the mix, but I do add a teensy bit of oil just in case. Our frying pan's a dick though, so I don't really have a choice.

The recipe says to spoon drops of 1.5 - 2 tablespoons of batter into the pan, but it works just as well if you use about half a ladleful. When bubbles start appearing on the surface of the pancake, flip it over to cook the other side. It should take about 30seconds to a minute, depending on how hot your pan is.

And repeat! They're lush with golden syrup, but you could have them with whatever you want to put with them - I think they'd be lovely with a dollop of ice-cream and some strawberries!

The batter mix makes about 8-10 pancakes depending on the size of them.

Right-ho, I think I should apologise for this random blog post. I don't usually post recipes, but these pancakes were so good I just couldn't resist sharing the recipe with you. Normal blogging to be resumed immediately.

Sadness and Pancakes

My dear readers, I have somewhat of a confession to make. I give off the impression that I am always happy, be it at school or otherwise, but lately things have gone rather rapidly downhill, plunging me into a heavy sadness that lingers above me like the rainclouds above my home.

So what, you may ask, has caused such a sudden sadness? I must be honest with you: it is pancakes. A craving for them had come over me, and I simply couldn't resist. I mixed the batter as per instructions, but no matter how hard I tried or how well I oiled the pan, they always either a) got stuck or b) ended up as a wad of undercooked sludge. I have a sneaking suspicion that it was too much milk that caused the problem with my pancakes; either that, or the pan was too hot.

I thought I could cook pancakes. I made some yesterday and they were rather lovely, if I may say so. They didn't last long with Mother around, anyway. But alas, tonight my pancake skills failed me, and as I write this I am devouring a small bag of Cadbury's chocolate buttons, trying desperately to fill the hole left by the sad excuse of a pancake that was the fruit of my effort.

I thank you all for your support during this difficult time.

Good day.

Spring my form, biotch!

Err... excuse the rather ghetto-sounding title, I don't know what came over me (that's what she said! (sorry)).

Anyway, I've been flying around some people's Formsprings lately and it's really quite fun asking anonymous questions. I've been springin' forms since the early version of Formspring, where you had to set up the form yourself and it wasn't formspring.me.

As a result, I decided that I'd finally jump on the proverbial bandwagon and open the floodgates to Formspring. As the website's slogan says, ask me anything. :-)

Click here to do so.

I haven't got much to blog about lately because I lead a boring life, so this is about as exciting as it's going to get for a while.

Cheerio!